Bye for now: Remembering Eric the Actor on Howard 101

Bye for now!

Hear & Now

Twelve years ago, a Kelly Clarkson debate sparked a Stern Show legend.

Eric the Actor, who passed away last weekend, first entered the Stern universe on Sept. 19, 2002, when he called into Howard to chastise the King of All Media for his criticism of Clarkson. Howard immediately recognized there was something unique about Eric, and the two went on to chat for nine minutes … and, in the end, 12 years.

All weekend on Howard 101, the Stern Show team is airing classic moments featuring Eric the Actor, including his legendary calls into the show. Be sure to tune in on SiriusXM channel 101, and tweet your memories of Eric using the hashtag #byefornow.

Rest in peace, Eric.

For more Howard Stern coverage, follow @sternshow on TwitterFacebook and Instagram, and visit howardstern.com.

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In pursuit of better AA Meetings

aayoungandold

So, this past week I have traveled over two hills, and approximately 30 miles, to get to Santa Monica, California to find people with more sobriety time than myself. I hit the jackpot!

I seriously have never wanted to go “over the hill” to meetings, because lets face it the 405 freeway can frustrate even the most spiritual human being. Some time ago, a high school friend  John, and a fellow AA member at the time, would say to us that San Fernando Valley meetings were 15 minutes away from any length. I always thought that was a hilarious comment, but never thought the jibe would ever ring true. Contempt prior to investigation perhaps? Perhaps. I really never had contempt for westside meetings, I have contempt for the 405, or the Sepulveda Pass in general. Let’s not talk about Hollywood meetings. Ugh. <rolling my eyes>. Talk about pretentious. Anyway, I digress.

I’ve heard more recovery in the last 4 days than I’ve heard in any SFV meetings in years. With gas prices at $3.80 and I drive a BMW 328i (6 cylinder) my car drinks gas like a drunk. I went up to thank a woman with 35 years of sobriety tonight. I thanked her for just being there and that someone like myself, with 24 years of sobriety and nobody to look up to is reassuring and feels safe….at least for today.

I’m receiving a lot of feedback as to which are the good meetings where old-timers meet. I’m taking their advice and will check them out. My home meetings will be the Life After 10 meetings because I feel safe, and lets face it, I don’t really care what anyone before 10 has to say. The longer I stay sober, the less I know….or realize that what I did know to be true is no longer my truth.

There’s an irony to this adventure. Every step meeting I’ve been to is on Step One. Ha! Is it odd or is it God? I’ll place my wager on God. The first sentence from Step One in the twelve & twelve states, “Who cares to admit complete defeat?” Yeah, well when I first came into AA, my drug dealer did that for me. He dragged me to an AA meeting and from that night on I stayed sober. Through out the many a.m.’s and p.m.’s my life has ebbed and flowed and many times I’ve had to admit complete defeat. As my new friend Marge was saying, being sober a long time does not mean life is a smooth walk on a flat plain. Newcomers expect people with time as saints and should have this thing licked. I’ve seen it many times. This very idea doesn’t seem to seep through the mind of the newcomer because they haven’t experienced it.

As I venture upon unraveling a part of my life that I wound up so tight that I am choking myself with it, I have hope. I believe God has my hand. I have faith in those AA’s that have gone before me, know what they’re taking about and have what I need to make changes in this phase of my life.

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Swords

three of swords

Swords

A symbol of strength

A tool of destruction

Swords empower the holder

Swords pierce the heart of the weak

Two swords challenged in a duel

One will lose

Warriors battle with the sword

Soldiers of peace will fall

Swords slice through skin

Akin to diamonds and glass

Knights of swords protect

Kings and Queens

With precision the sharp sword inflicts pain

One false move

The sword’s blade wounds

The warrior stands tall

Until the next bloodshed

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Tarot Post – Three of Swords

Waking Spirals

Three of Swords (Sorrow)

Three of SwordsThree of Swords (Revised) by G A Rosenberg

I didn’t want to know.
Separation hurts like hell
Still Healing Begins

Separation

None that came
and took the hand
of sorrow’s separation
Bleeding heart releases tears
Not only bloody down
the cheek of one’s soul
but burning holes
in the fabric of real
exposing chaos

What can come
spring forth from loins
of chaos manifestation
Lovely monsters coming through
not only ravishing
the whole of being
but with ecstatic
terrible beauty
exhorting night
–G A Rosenberg

The suit of swords represents thought, ideas, plans and conflicts. Threes deal with maturity, accomplishment and transmission of the energy involved. Thought separates one thing from another for the purposes of comparing and contrasting, breaking down and analyzing. What is that energy of separation in its maturity but that of sorrow and loss. When we find separation from those we loved…

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$350 Enema

So, after dinner Suge tried to take a shit in the middle of the kitchen. In fear of a bowel obstruction, we rushed him to the emergency vet.

They took an x-ray and the beast had constipation. poop1 The stone inside the red circle is the big shit stuck in his ass. The vet gave him an enema.

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My Moxie died one year ago today, and a holistic approach to keep insects away.

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MOXIE

February 3, 2005  to September 22, 2013

I miss her every moment of everyday. Moxie died of feline triaditis. A pervasive disease that has three concurrent affects; pancreatitis, hepatic lipidosis, and inflammatory bowel disease. Only a highly educated and observant vet will have the wherewithal to diagnose and treat the disease. The problem is that by the time it’s diagnosed it is too late. As most cat owners know, cats barf all the time. It’s nearly a daily ritual that requires cat humans to accept this fact of life. This acceptance proved to be the reason Moxie died.

Moxie was the pick of the litter. Little did I know that orange tabbies are rarely girls, so she was already special. She was eight weeks old when I picked her. She was the most adorable little kitty, full of moxie. Moxie was a skittish cat and had difficulty socializing. She lived in my room, so this made it difficult to observe her behavior throughout the day. She stayed on a window perch or a cat tree I put in my room just for her. I forced her to allow me to hold her, and she eventually let me, and hang out with me, but I had to respect her boundaries or she’d be back in the bedroom. We moved from my apartment to my mother’s house for my health and financial reasons. She was just getting used to the freedom to explore the apartment without fear when the change occurred. The newness of living in the house was culture shock for both of us. My mother’s house is situated in a small town/foothill setting, with the Angeles National Forest just blocks up the street. The mountains is the picturesque view from our dining room window. With mountain living comes mountain living problems, and living in a house comes with it’s own set of problems. My first spring I was greeted with water bugs invading every entrance to the house, including my bedroom. I never experienced this in my city apartment, and even if I did the property manager was right there to solve the problem.

I knew the risks of spraying bug killer around the perimeter of the house, but what I didn’t realize is what happens after insects are infected with the poison….they seek a place to die. It’s not necessarily the poison that is toxic to animals if you spray away from areas where animals rest, its the insect. What didn’t dawn on me is that the poison attracts insects and the bugs seek a final resting place. For me it was under my bed, under my dresser, or bookshelf next to the door. I wouldn’t know they were there, but Moxie did. She torchered with the bugs and ate them. She died doing her job.

I wasn’t there when she died, which hurts me to this day. I wish I was there for her, so I could’ve breathed in her last breath, but I wasn’t. Moxie died in Dr. B’s arms. Dr. B cared for Moxie as if she were her own. The final 24 hours of Moxie’s life Dr. B made sure it was comfortable and most of all special. Dr. B took Moxie home and to bed with her. Evidently something she doesn’t allow her own pets to do. All I fear is that she was so scared and wondered where her mamma was.

There is nothing worse than realizing that her death could’ve been prevented, but I didn’t know any better. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. It was an accident, a very heartbreaking accident. What I have learned since, is that I can’t keep beating myself up for the mistake I made, as difficult as that is. What else I’ve learned and will evangelize for the rest of my life.

Holistic remedies to fend off insects typically tell you to use some kind of essential oil with the herb or flower that specifically repels that type of insect. The problem with this is that essential oils are toxic to cats. So what do you do? Use tea bags. 

Since California is experiencing the worst drought ever, ants are coming around. As water bugs, the ants are marching into my room. Ants hate the smell of peppermint, but using a peppermint essential oil was out of the question. Fearing any sort of poison or repellant to harm my other cats, and dog, I didn’t know what to do. That is until my mom came up with the idea of using peppermint tea bags. It was worth a try, since we only had the other animals to lose. I taped spearmint tea bags in four different places along the bottom of the doorway and waited to see. What happened in two days astonished me. The ants were GONE! At first they were kinda scrambling along but nothing unusual. Within 24 hours, a significant reduction in ants. Maybe a dozen roaming around. The second day they were all gone.

The lesson I learned. Poison attracts, herbs/flowers repel. The poison attracted the bugs but didn’t immediately kill them. They lived long enough to seek a place to die. The spearmint tea made the ants run away because they couldn’t stand the smell….and they didn’t die. Because I didn’t use essential oils, the other three cats and my dog didn’t get sick from it’s toxicity. I’m sure I didn’t invent something new, but after hours and hours of seeking a solution, I found nothing so simple as this.

If I just save one animal from toxicity by poison or by essential oils, this post has helped.

I will never get my Moxie back but her spirit is always with me and I will love her until the day I meet her beyond the Rainbow Bridge.

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It’s the truth, believe it!

I didn’t have wait

I already knew the answer

Don’t be afraid of what to say

I’m ok

I hope you are too

It’s the truth, believe it!

You need to know

My job is done

I have nothing to give

I suspect neither do you

You need not say a word

It was my a crazy dream

That caught you off guard

It’s the truth, believe it!

We are cut from the same tattered and shredded cloth

A mirror image of each other

With so much strength and courage between us both

I never knew someone like you

But to come together would not last

Neither of us are ready or right for each other anyway

Even if I wish it weren’t true

It’s the truth, believe it!

Do not be afraid if you need a shoulder to cry on, I will be here

Do not be afraid if you need a friend, I will be here

I will never turn my back on you

I know you love me, and I will always love you back

But not in the way I confused you

We will see each other again

I understand if it’s not sooner

Even if I wish it weren’t later

It’s the truth, believe it!

One last thing, I ask is that you listen to this song. You can do this to a woman, and this is what you’ve done to me….fucker!

It’s the truth, Believe it!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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24

24-year-bronze-sobriety-chip-231-p

 

24 here you are

how did you arrive

I don’t know

God’s will is always there

Perception is mine

some good, some bad

a lot of sad

altered states

choices to make

some good, some bad

a lot of sad

this year will be better

better than the last

stuck in the past

under three digits I sit

sweltering

pray for a new existence

afar

No lies, No deceit

No loves with faces of two

A breath of fresh air awaits

I just don’t know where.

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I wrote this for you.

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You came to me

unforeseen

You needed an ear

I delivered a hand

brawn tenderness

 a dying love

arrival of time

never to be forsaken

my hand grasped

a magnificent valiant, I found

selfishly breathtaking, within

a hollow core

truth hesitated, desired

considerate patience

a fellow grieving, sacred

measurement of time

blind

a friend of best, impressed

admiration

an everlasting yearning, within

fragmented shadows

disengaged, reach

merging hearts, one day

fate

once to touch

never again, another

beat

from healing mourn, within

summoned

the company of another, heart

broken

patience, questioned

apprehension

regretful sorrow, protects

a mindful fantasy

irretrievable beginnings

once upon fond memories

never forgotten

the life we shared

before tomorrow.

xo infinity

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A Word About the Death of Robin Williams

A word about the death of Robin Williams

I don’t know if Robin Williams actually made this statement, but it is so true. Facebook is riddled with contrived comments of sadness and grief over his depression. You know what? These people are full of shit. Not a single one of these people give a shit about people who suffer from depression. We need people to help us cope. Maybe some people put too much expectation on their friends to be therapists, or rely on their co-dependent ear. The truth is, at least for me, I need people to be my friend, lets do something fun that doesn’t include attending a party or super social. I have therapists to help me deal with problems. All my friends have alienated me. When I go to an AA meeting, I feel so alone. I’ll have 24 years of sobriety next month and I really don’t feel like sharing it with anyone. The fact is that I have been recovering from alcoholism, depression, and ptsd all by myself. I know so many people, none of them my friends. I was talking to my therapist today and was talking about how it’s impossible to trust anyone when they consistently devalue me. Whether someone consistently flakes on commitments, disrespects my physical handicap, or judges my recovery program and neither one admits responsibility for their actions, then they don’t deserve my friendship. All they have to do is admit fault and not treat me this way. Not a single person admits fault but rather becomes defensive…..a clear admission of guilt. Family refuses to ask how I’m feeling or doing, because they fear I will tell them the truth. They only want to hear good news, instead of real news…..all in the name of love.

I’m sorry Robin Williams had to exit feeling alone. I know how he felt because I often feel the same and I think that all of us who suffer from this life destroying disease experience it too. All these asshole commenters have no idea how to be a friend to someone who is depressed. How can you do something??? Be a friend with boundaries. I may not be jumping for joy, but if I am you know I’m going crazy so just shoot me. What people can do for us is help us get us out of ourselves to enjoy life. A movie, a walk, a hike, something mild and peaceful. It is also the responsibility of the depressed to leave the house and just try….even if its for an hour or two. I would appreciate the friendship and don’t want to rely on anyone to fix my broken head. I just am tired of doing things alone and not having a support system. If I call you to do something, say yes instead of no. Commit to another day, instead of hanging up and never hearing from you. People with depression tend to be spontaneous. If you are lying and just don’t want to do something with me and then spout off a sympathetic comment on a suicide, then you are part of the problem. Everyone is so busy with their own lives, but when someone commits suicide they all wonder what they could’ve done different to help. As I said before, what bullshit.

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