I’m 51 and never been married, never been loved, and haven’t been in a boyfriend relationship in over 20 years….if you could call what I had with him a relationship. All the guys at work are married or getting married. They’re young, under 35. I think to myself about how I had not been involved with someone for 5 years at that age. I dated but with each date became more and more discouraged and finally just said fuck it. The older I got the less bullshit I was willing to deal with. But let’s face it, I would be really difficult to be in a relationship with. Not because I’m a difficult person, but my past is difficult for anyone to accept and walk with me through. That and the fact that I never wanted to introduce anyone to my mother. I don’t trust her. I think I’ll be ready for someone when she’s gone. I don’t want anyone to meet my family, they’re so toxic. Maybe I’ll be ready by then or maybe not. I want to love and be loved but I will never have complete happiness until my family is out of the picture of my life. I will never have my own family but maybe one day I will find a compatible companion.
Disbelief as in I can fucking believe this is happening to me.
The other thing is when I can’t protect myself from authority figures who box me into situations where I can’t defend myself.
If my boss fires me, he can expect a knock on the door from the department of insurance audit bureau.
I’m burning that candle at both ends and I’m not happy. My friends told me “do you” but what does that mean? I don’t have an identity. I’ve made myself invisible and out of sight.
If i leave work before some anticipated raise then am I leaving before the miracle? Or will I be accepting a bribe from the devil to put up with more of his bullshit?
I swore that I would never work for someone who is condescending, but then to work for someone who boxes me into verbal altercations I don’t think so. I feel like he is calling in a meeting to entrap me. I will not walk in to a meeting to be berated. I need to come up with a strategy to upstage this asshole who thinks he’s smart. Who thinks that I am beholden to this shitty job. I don’t trust these people. Where there is no trust there is no relationship.
The first thought that came to mind is to have my mom call and tell them I attempted suicide over the weekend and won’t be in, and may never come back. This is my favorite excuse for not showing up to this meeting.
Go to the meeting, keep my mouth shut and let him be the asshole that he is and then slap him with my resignation if I feel at all threatened by his tone and demeanor. If I don’t feel safe in his presence then I should not have to engage.
What I’m trying to prevent is a fight because I will stand up for myself. I don’t want to make a scene. But rather make an impact. And I refuse to let this son of a bitch think he’s got the upper hand on me. Not going to happen.
If you’re reading this, thank you. Just so you know I’m writing here because I have no one to talk to and I won’t pick up a pen and paper. So if it bores you … sorry not sorry. Got to get some things off my chest. I have to trust God one more time when it comes to my finances. I am going to quit my job. I’m over worked, underpaid, and not happy. I don’t think anything will ever make me happy but I was before we merged. I’m getting sick and suicidal again. I can’t work like this let alone live. I have an income outside of work, but it’s not much. Enough to get by. That’s it. I’m falling apart again. I hate fucking people and I felt I was careful with who I work for but then my boss decided to merge with another company and that’s when things turned to shit. I hate working for this asshole. I swore I would never work for someone who spoke to me i such a condescending manner, who boxes me in to feeling like I have to fight. And when I say I need to get off the phone he wants to keep the conversation going to escalate the situation. I don’t need that shit. I refuse to be castigated for situations that require guidance. I took ambien and Ativan to make me rest. I think I might give up my sobriety for CBD. It sounds like a nice plan. I starting to babble as the meds are kicking in. Peace Out
I need to write but don’t. I deprive myself of self expression. It’s torturing my soul. I’m here now because I’m listening to God demanding that I say something….anything. The silence is painfully choking me and He’s telling me to stop it. So here I am with so much on my mind and nobody knows what’s going on with me because I don’t express it. I have not lost faith as He is the only one who knows. I deprive myself of human contact, shelter myself from the toxicity of the human race. I don’t know who to trust, so I trust no one. God is all that I trust. I am reclusive and invisible because I made it that way. I know who loves me but I don’t let them get too close, only my mom but I don’t trust her either…but more than anyone else. Nobody knows where I am and I’m fine with that. I am lonely, but that feeling is the consequence of protecting myself. I have to just express my needs knowing and accepting that they will never be met.
Defending your position might be necessary this weekend, especially if you feel your emotional security is tied up with the need to protect yourself. You don’t have to go too far out of your way and waste energy trying to be nice if anyone acts disrespectfully toward you. Although you may startle others if you push back to make your point, no one has the right to be overly bossy or take advantage of your good nature. Standing up for yourself will earn you new respect and appreciation from someone you admire.
I’m trying to controls breath
But the panic lies just beneath
Tapping on my broken spirit
Daring me to lose control
Of all my senses begging to cease
Torchered by racing thoughts of despair, anguish, fear
Loathsome is my vehicle
My body a prison
This has to end
This is no way to live.
The more I think of ending my life
The more I desensitize the fear
The less selfish I feel
When I remember why
All the selfish reasons I was brought into this world
Mark my words the day will come
And it shall be to no surprise
Why I gave up
Just like you did
The day I was born.
I can’t love until you are dead.
New beginnings taking place
Where do I go from here?
Sun is rising
Darkness a shadow
Music in the background
Loudness frees the soul
Beating drums under red lights
Singing songs of yesteryear
The soundtrack of my past
Lives in the core of my gut
Vibes of my heart
Take me to a place of peace
Beyond the roaming lizards
Beyond the fear
Music is here to set me free.